My Pregnancy & Birth Experience

            Pregnancy is supposed to be a time of joy and looking forward to the future. I wish I could say these are the emotions I was feeling when I found out I was pregnant, but I was mostly scared and had no idea what was going to happen. It shouldn't be a time were I am scared to tell my parents and worried about finances, and this is how I knew I was not ready to become a mother. My first ob/gyn appointment was to get a pregnancy test, and this was another point that I knew I wasn't ready. I remember walking threw the office embarrassed and nervous, trying not to cry. Having a baby is supposed to be one of the most joyous things in your life. I still find myself going blank when I'm filling out Jenna's baby book and run across questions that say "What were mommy and daddy's first reactions when they found out they were pregnant?" Most people would put excited blah blah blah but I was scared more than anything and the moment that I saw the results of my at home pregnancy test, my heart dropped to my knees. I remember going downstairs to tell my mom and us crying together for the next hour. 
          So many questions, but for the first time I heard my mom bring up abortion. My mom has never believed in abortion, and neither have I but with all these unanswered questions about medical insurance, child care, and all the other expenses that come with raising a child it seemed IMPOSSIBLE. The mistake my mother and I made was that we wanted to figure everything out before we made a decision and it's nearly impossible to do so. So many things have changed since last year and everything has seemed to fallen into place. I wish we would have known that to save ourselves the stress. 
          There were many days when I was so stressed out, I would beg my mom to just take me and get an abortion and be done with all of this. But she knew I was not in the right state of mind and these were only temporary feelings. 
         There is one day I will never forget, for some reason I was having a really bad day, Aidan and I had been fighting or something and my emotions were just spinning out of control. I was bawling my eyes out and told my mom I wanted an abortion. I had my first ultrasound later that day and didn't want to see the baby, in fear that it would make me change my mind. But my mom made me go anyways because she knew I really didn't want an abortion. I got to the doctor's office and say in the car and cried like I never have before. I refused to go in the doctor's office like this and didn't want to have to see the baby. My mom went in to talk to Dr. Yang about what was going on and she asked to speak to me. Thankfully I have a truly amazing ob/gyn who has gotten me threw so much in my pregnancy. She decided to not do the ultrasound with my emotions like that but told me that I didn't have to make any decisions then and that I had time. I left her office feeling much better and made the decision to not get an abortion but still unsure of keeping the baby or adoption.
           We talked about adoption a lot because everyone seemed to think if I wasn't getting an abortion then of course I was doing adoption. I knew longer then most people that, I didn't want to do adoption, but I didn't tell people for a long time because I didn't know the answer to most of their questions. But farther into my pregnancy I HAD to make a decision because if I was to do adoption plans needed to be made.
           I was about 5 months pregnant when we decided that we were going to keep her and that we would figure things out to make it work. I was about 6 months pregnant when I went back to school in August, but still not showing. I hadn't told to many people other than my best friend and family because I wasn't sure what I was doing and it wasn't really any of their business. I wouldn't say I was embarrassed but I just knew that it would be the talk for everyone. I hated that no one would confront me once the word got out, rather asked other people about it, I'm not stupid. But for the people who asked me about things I was really grateful for. 
           I was about 32 weeks pregnant in the picture to the right.
        I went in for a check up appointment and to monitor the baby and my contractions and I was having contractions at 32 weeks but I was not feeling them yet. I was also 1 cm dilated. So I was put on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy, and had to come in every week for check-ups and ultrasounds. Being on bed rest for over a month was very hard since I am used to run at least 3 miles everyday, and have played soccer since I was 6. So I had to stop going to school and was on home-bound tutoring for the rest of the semester.
         I wasn't due until January 2, and in the first week of December I was dilated 4 cm and still not in active labor. I was put on medications to keep me from dilating anymore and given two sets of steroid shots to help Jenna's immune system mature just in case she was born early. After one doctor's appointment I was sent to the hospital to get a shot that was also supposed to help stop me from going into labor. 
       Somehow I made it to 36 weeks, which is considered "full-term" and taken off the medication and bed rest. I was so relieved to not have to lay in bed all day, it was driving me crazy! About 5 days was Christmas Eve, and I remember waking up on and off all morning with random sharp pains in my uterus, but they weren't lasting very long and only occurred every few hours so I just went back to sleep. At about 11 a.m. realized I must be in labor! So I decided to take a shower and head back over to my house to let my mom know. 
           My neighbor is a doula (spelling?) so I had planned to do a natural birth and try and spend most of my labor at home where I would be more relaxed. My doctor was not on-call for Christmas Eve so I was a little disappointed when I knew she wouldn't be delivering Jenna. Coincidentally, my neighbor Kelly actually knew my doctor and had her cell phone number. So Dr. Yang was aware I was in labor and agreed to come in and deliver Jenna! 

Kelly (doula) and Aidan helping me threw labor.

          At around 3 p.m. my mom thought I should go ahead and head to the hospital, and when I got there I was 7 & 1/2 cm. For a few hours, I was walking around and used the labor ball and my mom suggested getting the epidural. I really thought I could do without it because at this point I was almost 9 cm, and was going pretty strong working with Aidan doing my breathing exercises. My mom didn't think I understood just how badly I would need it and I eventually gave in because I didn't really feel like I had a choice, especially in the middle of labor. She kept telling me if I waited to long I wouldn't be aloud to get it if I ended up wanting it. I got the epidural at 9 cm, and I kind of regret getting it now. Jenna wasn't born to much longer, I remember it was about 6:30 that I started pushing and Jenna was born at 7:06 p.m. It seems like it all happened so fast but it was the best feeling in the world when they put her up on my chest right after she came out. There is nothing in the world like seeing your child for the first time. It is such an amazing experience and I was so happy that after all that we'd been threw Jenna was here with us and that Dr. Yang got to deliver her. The next day I was so caught up with Jenna that I completely forgot it was Christmas. It was Christmas none of us will ever forget. 

Yes, I have braces in these pictures sadly...I was really hoping to get them off before she was born but that didn't end up happening. :(

Just Finished Nursing

            After almost six months I have finally finished breastfeeding. I am kind of sad about it but realized I was not making enough milk for Jenna to get enough nutrients every day. There must be some emotional connection or bond that it shares because it makes me really sad to think about quitting. I don't feel like I am ready to stop but that is probably what is best for my daughter.

Being a Kid Raising a Kid

            I hate hearing people say "babies having babies" but the truth is being 17, I was not financially or emotionally ready to raise a child. My daughter Jenna deserves so much better than what I can give her but I am doing my best. I think back on my pregnancy sometimes and think of all the options that ran threw my head. Abortion? Adoption? Keeping her was completely out of the question. My family was in no way prepared to support child. Growing up with a single mother and my father completely out of the picture, I did not want that for my own daughter. Although me and Jenna's father are still together and in love, I had no assurance we would be together long enough for Jenna to even realize it. After all, most teen fathers are not there to support their babies. The further into my pregnancy Aidan (Jenna's father) and I realized, adoption was much easier said then done. I still wonder, were we selfish keeping her just to satisfy our own needs and wants, and overall not thinking of what was best for Jenna? Would she had a better life with another family? These questions are pointless to keep asking myself because I will never know. 
           Coming home from the hospital with Jenna I thought, what would it have been like to not come home with her? I can honestly say, trying to think of my life post Jenna, I can not imagine what I would even be doing. After having Jenna, I realized how everything I thought was important as a teenager was nothing compared to having a baby. Everything I used to do was so unimportant, and I will admit I would throw tantrums if I couldn't go hang out with my friends one lousy night. 
           Now, I hardly see my friends, and I am ok with it. Most of my friends dropped off after I had Jenna, and I really don't blame them. We don't have much to talk about anymore, not much in common. They are out driving around flirting with boys, and I'm at home with Jenna changing diapers and playing peek-a-boo, and I love it!
         Not every teen mom out there is a bad mother just because they are young. I think Aidan and I are just as good of parents as people in there 30's. Jenna is the happiest baby and we meet all her needs. I am in no way saying that the ride is easy, but when is it ever? There are good days and there a bad, but that's life. 
           I know there are other teen moms out there just like me, and I really wish I had some to relate and talk to. Some days are a struggle and sometimes you just need someone who has been there and understands your pain.