To My Daughter..

For Christmas my mother gave me a book titled "To My Daughter" by Marci. As I was reading through it tonight I ran across a lot of things as a mother, I can relate to and really feel with Jenna, many things I would like to pass on to her one day. One of my favorite things I think was worthy of sharing.

It's titled 10 Simple Things to Remember:

1. Love is why we are here.

2. The most important day is today.

3. If you always do your best, you will not have regrets.

4. In spite of your best efforts, some things are just out of your control.

5. Things will always look better tomorrow.

6. Sometimes a wrong turn will bring you to exactly the right place.

7. Sometimes when you think the answer is "no", it is just "not yet".

8. True friends share your joy, see the best in you, and support you through your challenges.

9. God and your parents will always love you.

10. For all your accomplishments, nothing will bring you more happiness than the love you find.

A Hectic Week

Here's a picture of the stitches, not too bad!

Still has a little smile while we waited in the E.R.

Aidan and Jenna with their matching band aids! 

Snoozin' away Friday morning

The last five days have been a little crazy in our house. Thursday night Jenna hit her head on the corner of our stone fireplace, luckily it was not a very big cut but it was deep enough that she needed five stitches. This all happened while I was preparing to take a test for an online class. So we figured taking her toChildren's was the best option but after sitting in the waiting room for 2 1/2 hours without even going to triage was a little ridiculous. It didn't seem to bother Jenna as much as it was irritating Aidan and I, I think she actually enjoyed staying up past bedtime well, until we got to the stitches part. It took 3 people to hold her down, the nurse holding her head in place, I held her arms, and Aidan had her legs. By the time we were packed up and on our way home Jenna was exhausted and feel asleep shortly after getting in the car. I successfully moved her from the car to her crib without waking her but it wasn't long before she woke up again. I wasn't sure if her head was hurting or the traumatic experience was bothering her more. So Jenna slept in our bed for the first time in a VERY long time. She behaved well (which is unusual)! She is usually the one sleeping while Aidan and I are trying to figure out how to get comfortable around her small frame somehow managing to take up half the bed! She kept waking up crying "momma" like she was reliving the experience :(. But she slept pretty late the next day. On top of all of this, a HUGE project that we have been holding off started Saturday. Aidan and I have desperately been wanting to repaint our room but it has been a much bigger job then anticipated. Although, I do not have much room to talk considering Dennis is the one who has done most of the work! The previous paint was a texturized navy blue. I wish I had taken a before picture..but we are switching to a goldish color, one of the only things we could agree on and would match wonderfully with our dark wood furniture. So it is midnight on Tuesday and here my father-in-law is working away trying to get it done by Thanksgiving. I have been very busy with school cramming in 3 exams before I get a WHOLE week off for Thanksgiving. Really looking forward to this break! I feel very fortunate I get so much time off.

What I'm Grateful For

Jenna and I went on a Starbucks run tonight and it turned into a much longer drive then anticipated. We were having so much fun singing in the car together that I drove past the house so we could finish listening to the song and when we pulled in the driveway heard Jenna kicking her feet against the seat and fussing because she didn't want to end it! But in this time I was thinking about what a wonderful life I have. It is so easy to get carried away in all the stresses of life and forget. On my Facebook people have been posting everyday something they are grateful for (which I haven't done, not even once) So I was thinking about all the things I am grateful for and just couldn't sum it up in a short paragraph.
This is probably something I should look at from time to time to remind myself on those days I feel hopeless how wonderful my life really is.

I'm thankful for the clothes on my back and a full fridge. That we have heating and air, internet and cable. Having a car let alone a nice car!! Being able to go to school and still have money left in our account to buy things we don't "need". I'm thankful for the roof over my head and the country we live in. I'm thankful for a washer and dryer in the house which have become my best friends since becoming a mother!! I'm thankful for the dishwasher and everything else that seem so simple and usual but are really luxurious. I am thankful for having womens' rights and a voice where in many countries they do not.

Stating the obvious I am SO thankful for my family, not just my blood but the family I have created. I am thankful Jenna is happy and healthy. I am amazed by her everyday and the funny little person she is becoming. It is so cliche to say this but she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She has given me the motivation I need on days when I don't feel like I can do it because she deserves the best life possible.

 It is so easy to become "used to" in a relationship that sometimes I really don't let Aidan know how much I love him. We found out we were pregnant when we were only 16 and in most cases, the father wouldn't be able to handle it. But Aidan has been supportive since Day 1 and is such a wonderful father to our daughter. He is not only a wonderful person in general, but someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. When I think about our future together I can't help but smile and imagine how wonderful it will be to experience life's greatest milestones TOGETHER. I imagine the day we graduate from college, buy our first house, get married, have more kids and it just makes me so incredibly happy that I've found the person I want to share all these things with.

My relationship with my father has always been pretty distant after my parents' divorce but after I discovered I was pregnant completely dissolved. One person who I can't even put into words how grateful I am to have him in my life is my soon to be father-in-law Dennis and he has filled that role.

My mother is someone I really look up to. Her life completely changed in a way she never expected and I am proud of the independent woman she has become. She is also someone who has been supportive of my decision (whatever it might be) during my pregnancy. She never pushed me anyway and was there for many nights and days of me crying. I remember our conversation when we decided that we were gonna keep Jenna. I decided that no matter what I would do whatever it took to take care of this baby and she supported me and still does. Even though we disagree many times, she is always someone I can turn to.

My sister Audra, another amazing woman in my life is someone who I can always turn to. Never a dull moment together. She is a wonderful Aunt to Jenna is helpful whenever I need her. We've been through so much together and will forever be my best friend.

My Grandma is such an admirable woman. I look up to her so much. I hope I can be half the woman she is. Her words of wisdom inspire to go for my dreams and reminds me that I really can succeed. She shows me the simple and important things in life. I wish I could see her everyday and sew together regularly.

I have so many incredible women in my life, another one being my mother-in-law. She is patient and understanding and helpful in anyway she can be. When many people were pulling me in a different direction when I was pregnant, she kept me on track. She supported my decision to keep Jenna even when many didn't see the good in it. And she has still been as supportive as she was since the beginning.

One of my closets family friends The Alford's are a family I am incredibly grateful. If it wasn't for Faith, I wouldn't have been able to finish high school and start college. Jenna always enjoys spending time with her and there is so much love in their house. She is someone Jenna looks up to and I am so comfortable and at ease when she is with them.

Another family who is close to my heart is The Bartlett's. I can't even say how much they have done for me over the years, their advice and opening up their home to me has been such a blessing.

I could go on and on about all the people in my life who I love and am so thankful for, for all the things they do/ have done for me. This is just a short list! I have such a wonderful life and it is so easy for it to seem so mediocre from time to time.

Busy Busy Busy

I have just completed my first semester of college, with 2 B's and 2 C's. Not very pleased but will take what I got being my first semester of college courses. Without the burden of school work every night I am finding after Jenna goes to be around 7 that my nights are very lonely. Feels like I'm waiting around a lot but not sure what for. Aidan is working most nights and usually not home till close to midnight. I have considered joining my old soccer team this winter playing futsol since I was not able to play this fall because of my class schedule, not like I would have the energy anyways!

I can officially say Jenna is a walker! She is walking everywhere and I can't help but think how funny it is seeing someone so little walking around. At her last check-up she was the 90% on height and 25-50% on weight. I have a feeling she will be tall and slim just like Aidan's mother. Aidan is 6'4 and his mother is 5'10 or so. At least she'll get a little more height from them! For months now I have been trying to read with Jenna but it is hard to keep her attention for more then 45 seconds. BUT...Aidan brought a new chair into our room and Jenna seems to love it, it is the perfect size for the two of us to snuggle up in and READ! She sat through a whole book the past few nights. She is currently attached to the book "A Very Busy Spider". She loves all the animals and funny sounds they make, well I make, when we are reading. I can tell she is going to love animals. My brother and I were "mooing" when she was pointing to the cow and it was so cute to hear her try to moo back. She is getting so bright and observant. 

Next Friday we are having a birthday party for Jenna. Even though her birthday isn't till Saturday we decided to get together with friends before since most of them will be busy with family activities. It is hard to believe that it has already been a year..and quite a year it has been! But overall I am happy and very blessed with all that has been brought my way. Aidan and I have the most amazing support system and Jenna is so lucky for all the amazing people to have in her life. Couldn't ask for a better group of people!

Milestones: Part 2

It's been pretty stressful the past few months with my first semester of college. I don't have the grades, I wish I did but I'm doing the best I can.

As far as Jenna goes, I am more and more amazed each day. As of last week she has her two bottom teeth just in time to chow down on some Halloween candy--only joking! But I will not be surprised if she starts walking in the next month. She has mastered pulling herself up and starting to stand for longer and longer times on her own. Although no way will she stand up if someone else tries to help her, she has to do it alllll by herself. We've begun teaching her sign language this week which I had always wanted to do. A close family friend did it with her son and having three previous children said it was very nice to be able to communicate with him before he could tell his parents what he wanted. I can tell by the way she is looking at me when I say "juice" for example that she is trying very hard to understand and connect my motions with the words. So far her vocabulary consists of "dada" "dog" and has been trying very very hard to say "yes". No "mama" yet :( But I was just as excited when we heard the first "dada" as Aidan was. I am loving all the babbling she has started doing, and she just cracks me up when I catch her talking to her stuff animals. 

She has started getting into the stage of separation anxiety, mostly from me and most definitely a hip baby! Many times when I try to hand her off to someone else she will grab on to my arm and "hide" on my shoulder. She hasn't cried very much, but we will see whether or not she will develop that in the next few months. 

FASD awareness

Today is September 9, and every year on this day FASD (fetal alcohol spectrum disorder) is observed. It is one of the most misdiagnosed and under-diagnosed disorder but it is 100% preventable! All mothers have to do is abstain from alcohol for 9 months. A close family friend adopted twin boys from a different country who both suffer from this disorder. It has taken a tole on their family's lives. I have seen the struggles she has gone threw raising these children and I don't think anyone is more capable of it then her. She is a very very strong person. It is a very serious thing, and I have definitely seen this when I have watched them a few times.
Spread the awareness!

For more information visit these pages:
www.faslink.org

www.nofas.org

Milestones: Part 1

The more Jenna grows, the funnier she gets. She has moved out of the stage of sitting and absorbing in everything around her to interacting and developing very unique little characteristics.


I'm sure as every mother has realized at some point that babies know A LOT more then we give them credit for. Infants can learn how to manipulate into getting what they want and sometimes we don't even realize it. I remember the first time Jenna was "crying" or more like yelling at me when I knew she had just had a new diaper, been fed, and had plenty of cuddle time. She wasn't tired or sick either. She was just mad that I had turned around to wash a few bottles. I looked back at her and she almost seemed like she was laughing because she had just gotten my attention which exactly what she was aiming for. 


Sometimes when I watch her play, I will see her doing really creative things! The first time she figured out how to put her binky in her mouth was really amazing. To some people it seems like no big deal but when you have an infant who came into this world hardly capable of doing anything, every milestone seems like the biggest thing in the world!! Jenna figuring out how to put her binky in her mouth was mostly pure luck that it had not been upside down or backwards. But as she realized that she could do this she was trying more and more times. Sometimes it would be upside down or backwards and she would get frustrated. The first few times I helped her out and then she finally figured out her own way. She would try to put it in her mouth and then when it didn't work, she would drop it and try again hoping it would be a different angle. I found this really creative that she thought to do that. She is now a pro at getting her own binky and I sometimes wonder if this is a sign that she no longer really needs it for a "comfort"....

The other day Jenna wanted more toys then I had put out for her and has finally figured out where they are hidden. She crawled over to the basket and tipped it over and out fell all of the toys. Now she seems to do it almost every time she is playing. I wonder if this is a bad habit but how do you tell a 7 & 1/2 month old that they can't do that when she doesn't even know her own name yet! 

Babies and Sleep

For some reason, while I was pregnant I always heard that babies will start sleeping threw the night at around 6 months....HA!


Maybe it was just me thinking that or from others personal experience that I have heard,that this image was set in my head. But as Jenna gets older I wonder when she will EVER sleep threw the night. As she goes to bed at 7 p.m. every day then wakes up at midnight, 3 a.m., and 6 a.m. for a feeding. This has been her pattern for well over a few months. Although she has had on rare occasions slept from midnight till 8, I don't ever count on it that it will be her new routine.


But then I think, with all this complaining I do about wanting her to sleep threw the night, I wonder would I even start sleeping threw the night? Actually, I KNOW I wouldn't sleep threw the night. When Jenna does rarely sleep threw the night I am still up checking on her, seeing if she's breathing. I agreed with Aidan that I would do all the night time feedings because of his work schedule.


As much as I sometimes wish to get a full night of sleep, I really do enjoy night time feedings. They are for the most part, the most bonding feedings we have. During the day she is to squirmy and distracted to cuddle. She would much rather explore and move on her own now that she has learned to crawl. 


Eventually, babies do grow up and they become toddlers and sleep threw the night, but do they really? Whether  it's a nightmare, need to go potty, thirsty, or just scared they are still waking up. Seems like the only time they truly sleep threw the night is when they become teenagers and are sleeping till noon. But then by the time they are this age we are telling them to get up earlier! So what do we really want? 

Am I Ready?

How do you know when your ready? Ready to start your career, ready to get married, ready to raise a family?

These past few months have been some of the most stressful months I've ever had. I'm young, and have not had to deal with much more then worrying about myself my whole life. On top of finishing school, I've been busy raising a baby, when I'm not even an adult myself. In the past week I have finished my last class of high school and will be starting at a community college at the end of this month. But school is not the only thing I am worried about. As Jenna is quickly approaching her 1st birthday, I wonder what kind of mother I want to be. I've always been one to read about things and all threw out my pregnancy read about the changes the both of us were making. Then I started reading into the first year, how frequently she needs to be fed, how much each feeding, sleep, play, development skills, etc.

As Jenna gets older I realize, I have no idea how I want to parent. I read all about different parenting techniques and it scares me the uncertainty of parenting a toddler. There are a few things I know I want to do or not do as a parent from my own parents, but how do you know which way is the "right" way? And is there even a right way? 


The uncertainty of the future has given me anxiety like I've never experienced before. I know everything will be ok, but I have become obsessed with doing things perfectly. I want to be the best mother to Jenna that I can be because she deserves it. I don't know if I will ever feel "ready" but wish I had some peace of mind to cut back on some of my stress.

My Pregnancy & Birth Experience

            Pregnancy is supposed to be a time of joy and looking forward to the future. I wish I could say these are the emotions I was feeling when I found out I was pregnant, but I was mostly scared and had no idea what was going to happen. It shouldn't be a time were I am scared to tell my parents and worried about finances, and this is how I knew I was not ready to become a mother. My first ob/gyn appointment was to get a pregnancy test, and this was another point that I knew I wasn't ready. I remember walking threw the office embarrassed and nervous, trying not to cry. Having a baby is supposed to be one of the most joyous things in your life. I still find myself going blank when I'm filling out Jenna's baby book and run across questions that say "What were mommy and daddy's first reactions when they found out they were pregnant?" Most people would put excited blah blah blah but I was scared more than anything and the moment that I saw the results of my at home pregnancy test, my heart dropped to my knees. I remember going downstairs to tell my mom and us crying together for the next hour. 
          So many questions, but for the first time I heard my mom bring up abortion. My mom has never believed in abortion, and neither have I but with all these unanswered questions about medical insurance, child care, and all the other expenses that come with raising a child it seemed IMPOSSIBLE. The mistake my mother and I made was that we wanted to figure everything out before we made a decision and it's nearly impossible to do so. So many things have changed since last year and everything has seemed to fallen into place. I wish we would have known that to save ourselves the stress. 
          There were many days when I was so stressed out, I would beg my mom to just take me and get an abortion and be done with all of this. But she knew I was not in the right state of mind and these were only temporary feelings. 
         There is one day I will never forget, for some reason I was having a really bad day, Aidan and I had been fighting or something and my emotions were just spinning out of control. I was bawling my eyes out and told my mom I wanted an abortion. I had my first ultrasound later that day and didn't want to see the baby, in fear that it would make me change my mind. But my mom made me go anyways because she knew I really didn't want an abortion. I got to the doctor's office and say in the car and cried like I never have before. I refused to go in the doctor's office like this and didn't want to have to see the baby. My mom went in to talk to Dr. Yang about what was going on and she asked to speak to me. Thankfully I have a truly amazing ob/gyn who has gotten me threw so much in my pregnancy. She decided to not do the ultrasound with my emotions like that but told me that I didn't have to make any decisions then and that I had time. I left her office feeling much better and made the decision to not get an abortion but still unsure of keeping the baby or adoption.
           We talked about adoption a lot because everyone seemed to think if I wasn't getting an abortion then of course I was doing adoption. I knew longer then most people that, I didn't want to do adoption, but I didn't tell people for a long time because I didn't know the answer to most of their questions. But farther into my pregnancy I HAD to make a decision because if I was to do adoption plans needed to be made.
           I was about 5 months pregnant when we decided that we were going to keep her and that we would figure things out to make it work. I was about 6 months pregnant when I went back to school in August, but still not showing. I hadn't told to many people other than my best friend and family because I wasn't sure what I was doing and it wasn't really any of their business. I wouldn't say I was embarrassed but I just knew that it would be the talk for everyone. I hated that no one would confront me once the word got out, rather asked other people about it, I'm not stupid. But for the people who asked me about things I was really grateful for. 
           I was about 32 weeks pregnant in the picture to the right.
        I went in for a check up appointment and to monitor the baby and my contractions and I was having contractions at 32 weeks but I was not feeling them yet. I was also 1 cm dilated. So I was put on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy, and had to come in every week for check-ups and ultrasounds. Being on bed rest for over a month was very hard since I am used to run at least 3 miles everyday, and have played soccer since I was 6. So I had to stop going to school and was on home-bound tutoring for the rest of the semester.
         I wasn't due until January 2, and in the first week of December I was dilated 4 cm and still not in active labor. I was put on medications to keep me from dilating anymore and given two sets of steroid shots to help Jenna's immune system mature just in case she was born early. After one doctor's appointment I was sent to the hospital to get a shot that was also supposed to help stop me from going into labor. 
       Somehow I made it to 36 weeks, which is considered "full-term" and taken off the medication and bed rest. I was so relieved to not have to lay in bed all day, it was driving me crazy! About 5 days was Christmas Eve, and I remember waking up on and off all morning with random sharp pains in my uterus, but they weren't lasting very long and only occurred every few hours so I just went back to sleep. At about 11 a.m. realized I must be in labor! So I decided to take a shower and head back over to my house to let my mom know. 
           My neighbor is a doula (spelling?) so I had planned to do a natural birth and try and spend most of my labor at home where I would be more relaxed. My doctor was not on-call for Christmas Eve so I was a little disappointed when I knew she wouldn't be delivering Jenna. Coincidentally, my neighbor Kelly actually knew my doctor and had her cell phone number. So Dr. Yang was aware I was in labor and agreed to come in and deliver Jenna! 

Kelly (doula) and Aidan helping me threw labor.

          At around 3 p.m. my mom thought I should go ahead and head to the hospital, and when I got there I was 7 & 1/2 cm. For a few hours, I was walking around and used the labor ball and my mom suggested getting the epidural. I really thought I could do without it because at this point I was almost 9 cm, and was going pretty strong working with Aidan doing my breathing exercises. My mom didn't think I understood just how badly I would need it and I eventually gave in because I didn't really feel like I had a choice, especially in the middle of labor. She kept telling me if I waited to long I wouldn't be aloud to get it if I ended up wanting it. I got the epidural at 9 cm, and I kind of regret getting it now. Jenna wasn't born to much longer, I remember it was about 6:30 that I started pushing and Jenna was born at 7:06 p.m. It seems like it all happened so fast but it was the best feeling in the world when they put her up on my chest right after she came out. There is nothing in the world like seeing your child for the first time. It is such an amazing experience and I was so happy that after all that we'd been threw Jenna was here with us and that Dr. Yang got to deliver her. The next day I was so caught up with Jenna that I completely forgot it was Christmas. It was Christmas none of us will ever forget. 

Yes, I have braces in these pictures sadly...I was really hoping to get them off before she was born but that didn't end up happening. :(

Just Finished Nursing

            After almost six months I have finally finished breastfeeding. I am kind of sad about it but realized I was not making enough milk for Jenna to get enough nutrients every day. There must be some emotional connection or bond that it shares because it makes me really sad to think about quitting. I don't feel like I am ready to stop but that is probably what is best for my daughter.

Being a Kid Raising a Kid

            I hate hearing people say "babies having babies" but the truth is being 17, I was not financially or emotionally ready to raise a child. My daughter Jenna deserves so much better than what I can give her but I am doing my best. I think back on my pregnancy sometimes and think of all the options that ran threw my head. Abortion? Adoption? Keeping her was completely out of the question. My family was in no way prepared to support child. Growing up with a single mother and my father completely out of the picture, I did not want that for my own daughter. Although me and Jenna's father are still together and in love, I had no assurance we would be together long enough for Jenna to even realize it. After all, most teen fathers are not there to support their babies. The further into my pregnancy Aidan (Jenna's father) and I realized, adoption was much easier said then done. I still wonder, were we selfish keeping her just to satisfy our own needs and wants, and overall not thinking of what was best for Jenna? Would she had a better life with another family? These questions are pointless to keep asking myself because I will never know. 
           Coming home from the hospital with Jenna I thought, what would it have been like to not come home with her? I can honestly say, trying to think of my life post Jenna, I can not imagine what I would even be doing. After having Jenna, I realized how everything I thought was important as a teenager was nothing compared to having a baby. Everything I used to do was so unimportant, and I will admit I would throw tantrums if I couldn't go hang out with my friends one lousy night. 
           Now, I hardly see my friends, and I am ok with it. Most of my friends dropped off after I had Jenna, and I really don't blame them. We don't have much to talk about anymore, not much in common. They are out driving around flirting with boys, and I'm at home with Jenna changing diapers and playing peek-a-boo, and I love it!
         Not every teen mom out there is a bad mother just because they are young. I think Aidan and I are just as good of parents as people in there 30's. Jenna is the happiest baby and we meet all her needs. I am in no way saying that the ride is easy, but when is it ever? There are good days and there a bad, but that's life. 
           I know there are other teen moms out there just like me, and I really wish I had some to relate and talk to. Some days are a struggle and sometimes you just need someone who has been there and understands your pain.